The feel of Happiness
In recent months and even over the few years that I've been blogging only here and there I have reflected on the reasoning of why I got into it. Well, I was forced. Maybe not forced but surly nagged into it long ago by the mammy, lol! She figured it was a way to single handedly work out my own personal demons, write, reconnect with my imagination again and to do something that was healthy for my life. We can always look positive on the outside but what brings it out oh so true is when it's actually felt from the inside.
Why wear a mask that you have to spend twice as much time maintaining when you can just be genuine, letting it be all you and real with less effort. You've already put in the 200 % of effort making your life the way you want it, figuring out what you want and who you are, the rest is a piece of cake and smooth sailing from there. Daily things get thrown into the mix trying to always and forever more make life complicated, taxing, hard and complex but if we learn to take things slow and one thing at a time why should life be so difficult and us not be happy?
I turn 38 3 weeks and 1 day from now. I've been asking myself in recent days what have I brought to the proverbial table of life. I look back 10 years ago and I see me at 27 and even 17. If wishes were horses I would certainly go back just to smack the hell out of the lost pup of my past youth. If this is what the beginning of wisdom feels like then bring it on and I look forward to future wisdom blessing my life. The only true word that keeps coming up year after year of my youth or young adulthood is lost. Do I feel lost now? Hell no, I finally found me and yes, with help. I'm not above a hand out for help and appreciate it overwhelmingly. But only if it is the hand of help that will keep introducing happiness into my life. I've finally figured out that letting go is not so bad and letting go of anything negative makes it easier to find true inner peace and happiness.
For the last few weeks I have been keeping in touch with a childhood friend that reconnected with me thru facebook. Her past was a rough one up until the last year and then after she reconnected with a mutual friend that had about the same history as her, found the beginnings of her own happiness and hopefully happy ever after. In saying this I have found that there will always be a price for happiness and always a consequence for bad choices. They just go hand in hand. To get happiness u have to screw your life up one way or the other or allow someone else to come into it and do it for you and along with you or you just make bad choices. In the end, life will always demand payment for what you seek. My two friends? Their happiness? What is the payment for it? Just a little more hard times that they have to go thru together. Did either of them make any bad choices to end up miserable? Yep, they choice people that weren't right for them. They suffered thru life, freed themselves both and found each other. Happy at last but there was a wrench thrown in the mix. He's developed some kind of medical problem that the doctors are having a hard time figuring out and may turn out to be cancerous.
My friend would love nothing more than to scream out WHY THE FUCK US!?!? And as a matter a fact, in private, she has. Her mouth is extremely colorful but her heart is made of gold. Win some, lose some. Anyway, I sit sometimes outside thinking about it. And ask the same question. I know all the details of what they've gone thru and they so flipping deserve this happiness. But for some reason, life has other plans for them both. We all go thru our own personal hell to get to finally walk up to the table of life and smile and look back at everything it took to get you there. Some could care less, reveling in self pity, selfishness and their own personal gain thru life. Hello misery. All I can say to those people is that I may come across as a goody two shoes or nagging about being so positive or living in a fairy tale but at least I'm trying to change for a better tomorrow. For me and the people that I love. I can get just as selfish as anyone else but my guilt always gets the best of me. For my two friends that are going thru yet another personal trial, I'll be there praying and holding fast for a positive outcome. Kenneth is a fighter and even if he wasn't, Mel wouldn't stand for him reveling in self pity and giving up. She really WOULD kick his ass and make him fight.... Good for her;)
I also made a trip down south a little ways to see a friend of mine with a relationship that spans almost 25 years. She's my oldest friend. We've gone years just living life and apart but then find each other again and pick up right where we left off. Sam stated while we were there that she would love to have just one person in her life that she could connect the same way Mindy and I have. Well, we both told her that in our relationship we went thru everything, literally, together and that everyone has their own type of friend or relationship like that with someone. I told her that she may very well meet her friend for life later on in her life or even it may turn out to be someone she least expected it to be.
I look at my husband who has been gone thru out the weekend I am telling about. I look at the length of time that I've known Mindy and wonder if I will get to be allowed to know him for that long. I really do hope so. I look back over this weekend and then think of him trying to get back home and I can't wait to tell him all about my weekend. Learn more about all the fun things he did while he was away. Look at him and hug him tight and tell him that I am glad that exactly 3 years ago today he came to be. We've had our rough times, our "I'm not ready" times, so many baby steps taken, so many laughs, smiles and I love you's shared. We may have been married in March of last year but June 6, 2008 is our "Anniversary" I will never forget either. I don't know if he remembers but I'm not looking for it even if he does. I have my special ways and quirks about me and this is just me.
I am learning with every relationship and thru the years of those relationships what life means for me. I know that family is important. Truth to others and to ourselves. Forgiveness. And not forgetting to forgive ourselves as well. Self acceptance and acceptance of others. If you can't accept others why are they in your life? And that's a question only that one person can answer. Staying healthy and alive is more important than looking like a beauty queen in the eye's of others. The ones that love me already think I'm just the way I need to be and settle for nothing less while I know that I have nothing to prove to anyone but only to myself that I can accept the good things as well as the bad things about myself in every way. I'm finally starting to love me for me. My waist isn't 24" my boobs aren't Double D's, my legs aren't a mile long, toned and sexy and I don't have that seductive "come hither" pose that makes men melt. I have me and you know what? That's OK. I get pissy sometimes but I recognize it for what it's worth and try to make changes where I see I need to. I get lazy. I don't cook like a should. My hair needs a good haircut and color and has for a while and the list goes on and on...But...it's ok....
I've had quite a few people that have helped me along the way. My parents always being the unmoving and loving force that drives me forward even at my weakest. My kids lighting the eternal candle that sews my soul and heart to them forever and my husband keeping what I call my life feeling happy and fulfilled. Helping my parents push and guiding as best he can my children in the ways of keeping the light of life and the table life sits at strong, bonded and forever more, eternal. He is entwined in what makes me me now. I hope he realises that....
Life's table...what's at yours????
Happy 3 years baby:)
Why wear a mask that you have to spend twice as much time maintaining when you can just be genuine, letting it be all you and real with less effort. You've already put in the 200 % of effort making your life the way you want it, figuring out what you want and who you are, the rest is a piece of cake and smooth sailing from there. Daily things get thrown into the mix trying to always and forever more make life complicated, taxing, hard and complex but if we learn to take things slow and one thing at a time why should life be so difficult and us not be happy?
I turn 38 3 weeks and 1 day from now. I've been asking myself in recent days what have I brought to the proverbial table of life. I look back 10 years ago and I see me at 27 and even 17. If wishes were horses I would certainly go back just to smack the hell out of the lost pup of my past youth. If this is what the beginning of wisdom feels like then bring it on and I look forward to future wisdom blessing my life. The only true word that keeps coming up year after year of my youth or young adulthood is lost. Do I feel lost now? Hell no, I finally found me and yes, with help. I'm not above a hand out for help and appreciate it overwhelmingly. But only if it is the hand of help that will keep introducing happiness into my life. I've finally figured out that letting go is not so bad and letting go of anything negative makes it easier to find true inner peace and happiness.
For the last few weeks I have been keeping in touch with a childhood friend that reconnected with me thru facebook. Her past was a rough one up until the last year and then after she reconnected with a mutual friend that had about the same history as her, found the beginnings of her own happiness and hopefully happy ever after. In saying this I have found that there will always be a price for happiness and always a consequence for bad choices. They just go hand in hand. To get happiness u have to screw your life up one way or the other or allow someone else to come into it and do it for you and along with you or you just make bad choices. In the end, life will always demand payment for what you seek. My two friends? Their happiness? What is the payment for it? Just a little more hard times that they have to go thru together. Did either of them make any bad choices to end up miserable? Yep, they choice people that weren't right for them. They suffered thru life, freed themselves both and found each other. Happy at last but there was a wrench thrown in the mix. He's developed some kind of medical problem that the doctors are having a hard time figuring out and may turn out to be cancerous.
My friend would love nothing more than to scream out WHY THE FUCK US!?!? And as a matter a fact, in private, she has. Her mouth is extremely colorful but her heart is made of gold. Win some, lose some. Anyway, I sit sometimes outside thinking about it. And ask the same question. I know all the details of what they've gone thru and they so flipping deserve this happiness. But for some reason, life has other plans for them both. We all go thru our own personal hell to get to finally walk up to the table of life and smile and look back at everything it took to get you there. Some could care less, reveling in self pity, selfishness and their own personal gain thru life. Hello misery. All I can say to those people is that I may come across as a goody two shoes or nagging about being so positive or living in a fairy tale but at least I'm trying to change for a better tomorrow. For me and the people that I love. I can get just as selfish as anyone else but my guilt always gets the best of me. For my two friends that are going thru yet another personal trial, I'll be there praying and holding fast for a positive outcome. Kenneth is a fighter and even if he wasn't, Mel wouldn't stand for him reveling in self pity and giving up. She really WOULD kick his ass and make him fight.... Good for her;)
I also made a trip down south a little ways to see a friend of mine with a relationship that spans almost 25 years. She's my oldest friend. We've gone years just living life and apart but then find each other again and pick up right where we left off. Sam stated while we were there that she would love to have just one person in her life that she could connect the same way Mindy and I have. Well, we both told her that in our relationship we went thru everything, literally, together and that everyone has their own type of friend or relationship like that with someone. I told her that she may very well meet her friend for life later on in her life or even it may turn out to be someone she least expected it to be.
I look at my husband who has been gone thru out the weekend I am telling about. I look at the length of time that I've known Mindy and wonder if I will get to be allowed to know him for that long. I really do hope so. I look back over this weekend and then think of him trying to get back home and I can't wait to tell him all about my weekend. Learn more about all the fun things he did while he was away. Look at him and hug him tight and tell him that I am glad that exactly 3 years ago today he came to be. We've had our rough times, our "I'm not ready" times, so many baby steps taken, so many laughs, smiles and I love you's shared. We may have been married in March of last year but June 6, 2008 is our "Anniversary" I will never forget either. I don't know if he remembers but I'm not looking for it even if he does. I have my special ways and quirks about me and this is just me.
I am learning with every relationship and thru the years of those relationships what life means for me. I know that family is important. Truth to others and to ourselves. Forgiveness. And not forgetting to forgive ourselves as well. Self acceptance and acceptance of others. If you can't accept others why are they in your life? And that's a question only that one person can answer. Staying healthy and alive is more important than looking like a beauty queen in the eye's of others. The ones that love me already think I'm just the way I need to be and settle for nothing less while I know that I have nothing to prove to anyone but only to myself that I can accept the good things as well as the bad things about myself in every way. I'm finally starting to love me for me. My waist isn't 24" my boobs aren't Double D's, my legs aren't a mile long, toned and sexy and I don't have that seductive "come hither" pose that makes men melt. I have me and you know what? That's OK. I get pissy sometimes but I recognize it for what it's worth and try to make changes where I see I need to. I get lazy. I don't cook like a should. My hair needs a good haircut and color and has for a while and the list goes on and on...But...it's ok....
I've had quite a few people that have helped me along the way. My parents always being the unmoving and loving force that drives me forward even at my weakest. My kids lighting the eternal candle that sews my soul and heart to them forever and my husband keeping what I call my life feeling happy and fulfilled. Helping my parents push and guiding as best he can my children in the ways of keeping the light of life and the table life sits at strong, bonded and forever more, eternal. He is entwined in what makes me me now. I hope he realises that....
Life's table...what's at yours????
Happy 3 years baby:)
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At my table?
Wonderful friends like you! :)