Appreciation of the past

Well, today is my pawpaw's 89Th birthday. I have a feeling if he were still alive I can picture him on the back porch, shirt halfway unbuttoned, legs crosses, with a wet paper towel around the front of him cooling off under the outside over head ceiling fans he installed years ago. Probably with a mower or some other machine he was always trying to fix himself in front of him.

I woke up this morning having to take a medication in preparation for my surgery tomorrow and I was extremely anxious. So much so that I broke out sweating and a little light headed. I went to stand in front of our fan and calm down and cool off. It helped but the anxiousness was still there a little. Getting very aggravated with myself over the whole thing I kissed my Hubin goodbye as he slept, went and got Will and headed out the door. Remembering for some reason that Will's birthday is next week as I get in the car, I was also mentally reminded of pawpaw's birthday.

Laughing on the phone all those 11 years ago, we playfully argued with one another. Paw paw telling me that I needed to have William on his birthday and me shooting back that I wanted it on the 28Th so it would resemble my own just a month prior. Back and forth we went picking on each other until I told him if he didn't shut up I was coming over there to drink all his sweet tea and eat all his cheese. Loud and happily laughing, he let it go.

I remember so much about the happy past that we shared together. All the hugs he gave. Most times that ol "arthritis" would lock that arm up and he said I would just have to stay there. Me of coarse, laughing and screaming to get away. Endless times spent out in the work shed, watching him rebuild tractors, car motors, RV motors, mowers and even getting to help build our very own go carts. Fun movie nights lying on the floor while he reclined in his favorite chair watching old war movies and John Wayne westerns. ALL the while when the credit's rolled he'd call them Jew's or Pollocks. Always interested in their last names. And me rolling my eyes every time.

He was my first boyfriend when I was about 6 and I swore I was going to marry him when I got older. With a kiss on the head and a laugh that would make even the fairies sing, he'd send me on my way or hug me tighter. I remember those moments. His big hands that were steady, loving and patient. His eye's that were the clearest of blue, hiding so many memories of his own past. His thoughts spoken aloud of doing what's right, loving God, minding parents and looking forward to a future that was still unknown yet having complete faith that it would turn out with a happy ending.

Years of happy memories and many more I still haven't spoken of. In time. Sudden death came quick but remembering all the times sitting there with him hearing those words, " Just so tired" and not really understanding them then but am beginning to now that he's gone. My own life being lived. Mistakes made and learned from and not all of them so simple to figure out and move past. I'm beginning to understand as the years pass but not yet ready or willing to open my thoughts to the idea of letting go enough to move on to the next step of life. Beyond this life. There's still so much to do, so much left to say.

So, as I am reminded of my grandfather's birthday, seeing my son across from me, thinking on the shared laughter and love of my husband, the fiesty-ness of my daughter, hair brain instances and long conversations with my step son and loving devotion of my parents, I realise this...It's not my time yet. I've heard those words before. Right after paw paw let go and moved on. Only this time I say them to myself...and mean them.

Not so anxious now. With a smile on my face I look forward to, in a way, another new beginning. And yes, Paw paw was right. I did look forward to a future that was unknown and hard at times. Keeping that faith he SO much believed in and yes....found my happy ending. The years to come are just added to it. ;)