Coming up for Air

Did I ever tell you that I have a fear of being put under? Like during surgery? I once told my surgeon that I didn't care what it was, heart surgery, brain surgery, toe surgery, keep me awake and I'll be just fine. Just give me a lil lidocain or something like that and I'll even sit and watch. Maybe even comment on it all.

I've had 3 major surgeries in my life. 2 C-Sections and a Gall bladder surgery. My first c-section was most terrifying. I was young, scared to death of dying plus having my stomach ripped open to get to a baby girl who's air was being cut off put me over the terrified limit. Reminded me something of The Alien where the guy is on the table, the camera is focused solely on his stomach when all of a sudden the music BLARES and an Alien BUSTS out squealing. Heh, my imagination knows no bounds;)

My second c-section was the total opposite though. The doctors all threatened to restrain me if I didn't put my legs down. Every time I lifted my legs, just to see if I could, it strained muscle and uterus and made it that much more difficult to get Will out. Fine then...wasn't my fault they didn't give me enough juice and I wanted to test it all out. Who wouldn't??

But, then came the next surgery a week after having William. I think I may have still been doped up from all the morphine they gave me from Will. All I remember is sneaking mom back there into the OR with us until I fell asleep. One minute I was awake and looking at her and then the next, a black screen. I just remember waking up afterwards and taking a big and deep breath and looking at the brown walls of the hospital.

Why the fear? My grandma, I guess. She had gone in for a surgery and not woken back up. WHOLE different story and not even close to mine but it's just the fact that I've carried something away from her experience in a negative way. Can't really explain it aloud either. All I know is that it scares me. Maybe because I have no control over it. There are so many people that I have talked to over the years that love being put under. Even stating that it's a form of guaranteed sleep bordering on a mini vacation. Lol, I wouldn't go that far. Maybe stating that it's not quite hell itself but sure wouldn't say it's a vacation;)

Anyway, point is is that I go in Thursday for a lil elective female outpatient surgery that morning and they plan on knocking my ass out. I told them I didn't mind watching but when that got the "deer in the headlight" response back I knew I wasn't getting my way on this one either. You can have a mini baby "alien" invasion bustin out of your tummy and get to watch play by play but not with a lesser surgery? Totally not fair. I do wonder though if they can video it for me. I love and use to watch surgeries all the time on TV. Even during dinner. Pop that chest open for a lil open heart surgery while I serve the spaghetti and call it a good evening;) That's just me though...

SO..point is is that yes, I have a fear of being put under but now instead of actually fearing it, I still do to a point but it's not as pronounced as it once was. I may just look at the doc this time and say...be VERY thorough but quick Mister, no lolly gagging around admiring the work and wake me up now! I'll probably get the same look back from him as I did before though. He and I both know this is all mental and as time goes by it'll get less and less. Maybe even one day going away but I won't let the fear control me. I guess that's when fear wins right? I'll do the surgery. I'll let them roll me back and I may come out with no finger nails and chipped teeth but damn it I ain't skeered;o) That's what I keep telling myself anyways, lol!