365 Days

Well, it looks like the count down to Samantha's own graduation begins. 365 more days and I'll be sitting in the stands with hundreds of other parents and friends and family to watch my eldest kid walk across that ol magical stage. Walking up the steps of high school adolescence, crossing the bridge that separates and walking down the steps to the beginning of real adulthood. Along the way to this, picking up the "paper" that makes it all so.

I just came back from picking William up from his last day as a sixth grader and my mind was just in a whirl of thought. Not only will my first born be graduating this time next year but I realised that this was the last time I'll take or pick up either of my two kids from kindergarten thru 6th grade. No more firsts of walking them hand in hand, looking both ways as we cross the street to take that first big step at a new school or a new grade. No more firsts of walking them in and letting them take me to meet the new teacher that will help shape them for years to come. No more firsts of getting halfway out of the parking lot only to have one or the other child drop my hand and go on alone. Totally scared but showing courage to do it themselves. No more firsts as I cry in my car on the way to work as I realise my once babies are coming into their own. Realising that I am not the center of their world as much. Realising that with every grade passed my hand has to let go of theirs just a little bit more. So many firsts, no more...

By the time Sam hit Kindergarten she already had an air about her of Independence. An individual to be reckoned with while Will gladly squeezed my hand, allowing me once again to smile and guide him slowly through things that he was unsure or scared of. As the kids have both grown, all I've seen in the last 17+ years is change. Sam struggling, with me making many phone calls to teachers, counselors and principals up until she hit high school and then taking the bull by the horn and off she went. Making A's and B's like she's done it all her life with flying colors and a mischievous smile on her face. Will on the other hand was an ace at school. Having a few bumpy starts and even a few more setbacks. I can say that at least Sam stayed consistant through out the years. She was either failing dramatically or acing everything with bells on. Will still has 6 more years but just watching him walking to the truck today with his head held high and a smug smile on his face makes me feel so proud, yet sad. I've been on Facebook reading how all the moms think this is all bittersweet. Their own kids graduating and all the things that will be missed. I still have, God willing, more firsts to come and Sam isn't walking that stage just yet. But, I still feel that a few chapters of life closing. For me at least.

I also realise that with Sam graduating next year things will still constantly change. Thankful that at least for another year order and routine will be my best friends. After graduation we will all start a new chapter right along with Sam. I see this through witnessing Tim's own experience with Ty as Ty flew off in the wild blew yonder to be an Airman. Jumping miles and skipping so many states. I sometimes wonder what Tim is thinking. And yes, from a fathers point of view on letting go. I never ask though. Some things that we feel, even shared feelings, we all have our own unique inner private feelings about things that really can never be explained aloud. Just experienced.

I look forward to both kids growing up, being happy, getting the emotional and financial security they need, grand babies and just living and loving it all. I CAN wait on the grand baby part...at LEAST another good 10 years. Then, I'll get to experience new firsts. Through them. I don't want to know what mom and dad feel at this point in their lives about all of this. Them having already gone through what we are now. Weird, yes but I look forward to it all and yet I'm not ready to take that step just yet.

                                                          

I have 365 days until Sam opens a new door in her life. Until then I will live these coming days with clarity, slowness and HOPEFULLY a lot more patience.