PMS and the men who love us
Men all over the world are said to be 'heading for the hills' as women all over the world synchronize there periods to create one hellish up and coming 5 days.
News of this mass synchronization came as Mark Bishop a Canadian man got home from work to discover his wife Merry and her friend Jessica in what can only be called as "One hell of a fucking fowl mood". After having a quick 5 minute shower, Mr Bishop was then ambushed by his wife yelling and screaming at him to do the dishes and take the rubbish out in a tone that Mr Bishop only describes as "the tone of Satan".
Police also report a sharp rise in attacks on men, mainly to do with household chores being left longer then two minutes. Police are urging all men to be careful and to wear safety gear when entering a house, shopping mall, hairdressers, hotel reception or supermarket where women are located.
Reports across the world are flooding in as males report widespread crying, stomach pains, flying plates, massive chocolate consumption and cancelled sports subscriptions.
It looks like a long 5 days ahead but scientists say this is a once in a 2000 year occurrence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Mayo Clinic - Dr. Ino Itall released a report today about the horrors that both women and men experience when PMS goes untreated.
In a 5 year study, he uncovered over 750 million cases of women in the U.S. who have committed physical violence while experiencing PMS. Many of them also experience physical changes, such as growing fangs, extreme extension of their fingernails, growing hair all over their body, and transforming into some kind of wild, half-human, half-beast creature.
Dr. Itall also studied the men to whom they were married or living with. "It's a NIGHTmare," exclaimed one male victim who came in missing most of one arm. "My wife, Ima Nutcase, grows hair on her arms and wields a hatchet. She chased me all around the house with it, and just for uttering the phrase, 'Good morning.'"
Mr. Nutcase said that she yelled, "What's so good about it?," then picked up the hatchet, whacking wildly at him as they ran through their abode. Eventually, she caught him on the arm and cut most of it off, requiring him to seek medical treatment at the emergency room.
"We see this kind of thing all the time," said Dr. Itall. "We've tried treating them with hormones, vitamins, dietary changes, Elavil, Triavil, Sinequan, Valium, Ativan, and Xanax, and they seem to ease the symptoms somewhat, but at this time, there is no cure. We have to send most of them to a mental health care facility. If left untreated, it could result in serious harm of their loved ones, or even death."
Dr. Itall said that there is ongoing research at this time to combat the problems of PMS, but studies do not yet look promising. The doctor said, "All we can do is pray for a cure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to make a woman happy…………..
It’s really not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, HE MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little himself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Bring dessert........
These stories, as hilarious, over the top while holding some truth to them, are examples of how CRAZY acting we can be or that our husbands think we can be during that time of the month when Mother Nature for some odd reason wants to come visit. I still to this day think she is Karma's evil twin. Yes, she blessed me with two beautiful children but even there I can say it was a set up and a little payback for my own past adventures in pushing limits and toeing that proverbial "line" with the parents.
My "hubin" and I were laughing last night while I tempestuously did my lil happy dance when I told him that Mother Nature had called just hours before. As I state this quite energetically, I could feel the Gloom and Doom cloud from Hell lifting up and away as to have never been, all the while my dear sweet hubin is apprehensively smiling and agreeing that it is such a blessing to be at peace with the world again. All the while his eye's are overly bulging and the "skip" in his step is due to him trying to gain as much distance between us as he smiles so lovingly while the newly developing tick in his left eye grows as he notices that I may have had an iron in my hand or something along the lines of "things that cause bodily harm."
I tried to make Tim realise how lucky he was to have a wifey like me who, in my own words, only have very "mild" cases of PMS. As I state this Hubin is caught with a look on his most handsome face that can't quite peg me between Cruella DeVille or a Mrs. Doubtfire experiment gone wrong along with a nervy laugh fixing to take flight and an arm coming up in self defense as he makes haste into the bathroom to hopefully lock out the sounds and potential action of all things wife related.
Is it true that all husbands think that they were voodooed by the Almighty above with the most Hellish of Fiends to grace this world as their loving/evil wives? Punishing them for some past nefarious act or thought? As I have the dear Hubin cornered in the bathroom while he runs water in the bath tub I ask that he please reflect on past girl friends of old seeing as how I am and will forever be his first and only wife. (for some reason I picture myself rubbing my hands together while noises like MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA come blaring out) That gets me a look like this is a complete set up mixed in with this is complete bull shit, how did I get cornered into having this conversation, so glad u started and are at peace with the world, will u get the hell out of the bath room so I can have some damn privacy but know how much I love and appreciate you from the bottom of my heart !?!?!?! I swear...I love my husband something fierce but sometimes think his imagination is a little over the top and I'm getting blamed for something he dreamed up in a past nightmare, life or border line killer horror movie.
To say that us women love acting or even just feeling like we could snap at any minute with the wrong word said or wrong action taken is an understatement. And, like I try telling my daughter and just like my mom told me..us girls can't use that ol PMS excuse to get out of being blamed for the 150 symptoms, ranging from mood swings to weight gain to acne that we can and DO go through for at least a week once a month. Do I so enjoy depression, sadness, anxiety, anger, irritability, frequent and severe mood swings? Mentally speaking is having decreased concentration and indecision and something that I can use against anyone only to have them firing back saying, "but you said?!?!?" Breast tenderness, joint and muscle pain is always fun as well. Occasionally Tim will help out with checking for lumps in the boobs only to have me look like Medusa because of the severe tenderness at times. And it always makes me catch a glimpse of what it's going to be like when I get old when I lay there and all of a sudden I've got a charlie horse from hell or a toe or even a finger locks up like I'm trying to see if I can bend in an unnatural way against my bodies better judgement. All the while trying not to freak out every time it happens.
Insomnia (sleeplessness or the cute lil dog that burrows in your back so i can't snuggle up to the hubin), hypersomnia (sleeping for abnormally long periods of time due to the lack of snuggle time with the hubin I find myself nodding off at the weirdest times. My boss is not amused), anorexia (loss of appetite and something I SO don't have to worry about as I unbutton the top button of my pants from over eating at lunch), food cravings (MAJOR LIKE!!!!), fatigue (this goes back to the lack of stalking time I get with my guy), lethargy, agitation (and the guys think this is a part of our personalities WHY?!?!), a change in sex drive (Um, well, there IS a change but since my mother reads this I won't say it excels in nature), clumsiness (this is an everyday occurrence so i really can take this off the PMS hit list), dizziness (yes) or vertigo (this too), paresthesia (prickling or tingling sensation that I think I can say I was ripped off by Mother Nature on this one. This one would probably be fun to explore but seeing as how again, mom is reading this I'll feign ignorance by moving on.;)
Bloating is always a joy to experience. Eating anything with an ounce or 5 of salt in it blows me up like a water balloon ready to splash a small country. I think we all experience the lovely weight gain and while we even think to mention it it has everyone in the near vacinity looking from me to the bowl of candy next to me while I'm saying, what?!" The acne that always has us reliving our horrid youth, hair dry enough to allow farm animals to think it's the new thing in hay and lastly the heart palpatations that have me checking my pulse to make sure the big one's not fixing to hit cause i'm not finished spreading the PMS LOVE here on earth yet......
News of this mass synchronization came as Mark Bishop a Canadian man got home from work to discover his wife Merry and her friend Jessica in what can only be called as "One hell of a fucking fowl mood". After having a quick 5 minute shower, Mr Bishop was then ambushed by his wife yelling and screaming at him to do the dishes and take the rubbish out in a tone that Mr Bishop only describes as "the tone of Satan".
Police also report a sharp rise in attacks on men, mainly to do with household chores being left longer then two minutes. Police are urging all men to be careful and to wear safety gear when entering a house, shopping mall, hairdressers, hotel reception or supermarket where women are located.
Reports across the world are flooding in as males report widespread crying, stomach pains, flying plates, massive chocolate consumption and cancelled sports subscriptions.
It looks like a long 5 days ahead but scientists say this is a once in a 2000 year occurrence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Mayo Clinic - Dr. Ino Itall released a report today about the horrors that both women and men experience when PMS goes untreated.
In a 5 year study, he uncovered over 750 million cases of women in the U.S. who have committed physical violence while experiencing PMS. Many of them also experience physical changes, such as growing fangs, extreme extension of their fingernails, growing hair all over their body, and transforming into some kind of wild, half-human, half-beast creature.
Dr. Itall also studied the men to whom they were married or living with. "It's a NIGHTmare," exclaimed one male victim who came in missing most of one arm. "My wife, Ima Nutcase, grows hair on her arms and wields a hatchet. She chased me all around the house with it, and just for uttering the phrase, 'Good morning.'"
Mr. Nutcase said that she yelled, "What's so good about it?," then picked up the hatchet, whacking wildly at him as they ran through their abode. Eventually, she caught him on the arm and cut most of it off, requiring him to seek medical treatment at the emergency room.
"We see this kind of thing all the time," said Dr. Itall. "We've tried treating them with hormones, vitamins, dietary changes, Elavil, Triavil, Sinequan, Valium, Ativan, and Xanax, and they seem to ease the symptoms somewhat, but at this time, there is no cure. We have to send most of them to a mental health care facility. If left untreated, it could result in serious harm of their loved ones, or even death."
Dr. Itall said that there is ongoing research at this time to combat the problems of PMS, but studies do not yet look promising. The doctor said, "All we can do is pray for a cure."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How to make a woman happy…………..
It’s really not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, HE MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little himself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
3. Bring dessert........
These stories, as hilarious, over the top while holding some truth to them, are examples of how CRAZY acting we can be or that our husbands think we can be during that time of the month when Mother Nature for some odd reason wants to come visit. I still to this day think she is Karma's evil twin. Yes, she blessed me with two beautiful children but even there I can say it was a set up and a little payback for my own past adventures in pushing limits and toeing that proverbial "line" with the parents.
My "hubin" and I were laughing last night while I tempestuously did my lil happy dance when I told him that Mother Nature had called just hours before. As I state this quite energetically, I could feel the Gloom and Doom cloud from Hell lifting up and away as to have never been, all the while my dear sweet hubin is apprehensively smiling and agreeing that it is such a blessing to be at peace with the world again. All the while his eye's are overly bulging and the "skip" in his step is due to him trying to gain as much distance between us as he smiles so lovingly while the newly developing tick in his left eye grows as he notices that I may have had an iron in my hand or something along the lines of "things that cause bodily harm."
I tried to make Tim realise how lucky he was to have a wifey like me who, in my own words, only have very "mild" cases of PMS. As I state this Hubin is caught with a look on his most handsome face that can't quite peg me between Cruella DeVille or a Mrs. Doubtfire experiment gone wrong along with a nervy laugh fixing to take flight and an arm coming up in self defense as he makes haste into the bathroom to hopefully lock out the sounds and potential action of all things wife related.
Is it true that all husbands think that they were voodooed by the Almighty above with the most Hellish of Fiends to grace this world as their loving/evil wives? Punishing them for some past nefarious act or thought? As I have the dear Hubin cornered in the bathroom while he runs water in the bath tub I ask that he please reflect on past girl friends of old seeing as how I am and will forever be his first and only wife. (for some reason I picture myself rubbing my hands together while noises like MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA come blaring out) That gets me a look like this is a complete set up mixed in with this is complete bull shit, how did I get cornered into having this conversation, so glad u started and are at peace with the world, will u get the hell out of the bath room so I can have some damn privacy but know how much I love and appreciate you from the bottom of my heart !?!?!?! I swear...I love my husband something fierce but sometimes think his imagination is a little over the top and I'm getting blamed for something he dreamed up in a past nightmare, life or border line killer horror movie.
To say that us women love acting or even just feeling like we could snap at any minute with the wrong word said or wrong action taken is an understatement. And, like I try telling my daughter and just like my mom told me..us girls can't use that ol PMS excuse to get out of being blamed for the 150 symptoms, ranging from mood swings to weight gain to acne that we can and DO go through for at least a week once a month. Do I so enjoy depression, sadness, anxiety, anger, irritability, frequent and severe mood swings? Mentally speaking is having decreased concentration and indecision and something that I can use against anyone only to have them firing back saying, "but you said?!?!?" Breast tenderness, joint and muscle pain is always fun as well. Occasionally Tim will help out with checking for lumps in the boobs only to have me look like Medusa because of the severe tenderness at times. And it always makes me catch a glimpse of what it's going to be like when I get old when I lay there and all of a sudden I've got a charlie horse from hell or a toe or even a finger locks up like I'm trying to see if I can bend in an unnatural way against my bodies better judgement. All the while trying not to freak out every time it happens.
Insomnia (sleeplessness or the cute lil dog that burrows in your back so i can't snuggle up to the hubin), hypersomnia (sleeping for abnormally long periods of time due to the lack of snuggle time with the hubin I find myself nodding off at the weirdest times. My boss is not amused), anorexia (loss of appetite and something I SO don't have to worry about as I unbutton the top button of my pants from over eating at lunch), food cravings (MAJOR LIKE!!!!), fatigue (this goes back to the lack of stalking time I get with my guy), lethargy, agitation (and the guys think this is a part of our personalities WHY?!?!), a change in sex drive (Um, well, there IS a change but since my mother reads this I won't say it excels in nature), clumsiness (this is an everyday occurrence so i really can take this off the PMS hit list), dizziness (yes) or vertigo (this too), paresthesia (prickling or tingling sensation that I think I can say I was ripped off by Mother Nature on this one. This one would probably be fun to explore but seeing as how again, mom is reading this I'll feign ignorance by moving on.;)
Bloating is always a joy to experience. Eating anything with an ounce or 5 of salt in it blows me up like a water balloon ready to splash a small country. I think we all experience the lovely weight gain and while we even think to mention it it has everyone in the near vacinity looking from me to the bowl of candy next to me while I'm saying, what?!" The acne that always has us reliving our horrid youth, hair dry enough to allow farm animals to think it's the new thing in hay and lastly the heart palpatations that have me checking my pulse to make sure the big one's not fixing to hit cause i'm not finished spreading the PMS LOVE here on earth yet......
And to think...My husband jokingly agreed with me when I said I was a crazy PMSing wifey. I think he was not hearing the PMSing part and just in general agreeing with me with a smile on his face. And to me and in my mind the only thing I think i'm overly bad about is my (I try for) silent mood swings that leaves even the dog wondering WTH?! Because most time I DO keep my mouth shut and not say too much SO I won't be classified as the crazed lunatic WIFEY!!!!!! Ah hell....I wonder if I should tell him the story of my aunt...The one that had the 6 inch heels and shot gun while on the top of HER husbands brand new truck.....Nah;)
Comments
funny.....Your Aunt Ruth thanks you!Hahaaaa
mammy
I would love to see a pic of your Aunt Ruth on the truck. Lordy mercy, Crystal!!!! This is the funniest thing I've read in like forever!! :)