Well...
Well, Tim's been gone on a business trip. William was under the weather so I stayed home with him. People voted yesterday with an awesome turnout as I could tell since we live right across where people went to vote from our district. I watched movies pretty much on and off all day and until 11pm last night. Sam had a volleyball game 45 minutes away and didn't get back until then. Not much talking going on with me yesterday. I straightened up my house and really cleaned Will's room. Got all the "bugs" out so he can stay healthy. It rained a good part of the day and was somewhat cold throughout.
My point to all this? It's different when your hubin isn't home. Or, at least it is for me. It took me quite a while to shed that "total independent" personality where I took care of everything and was on my own mentally and physically. I called the shots, I made the decisions, I paid the bills, cleaned the house, cooked all the food, had a routine, and on and on it went. Then I met a guy, stalked him, married him and now miss him like crazy when he's gone. Don't get me wrong, I even miss him when we're not together during working hours or what ever but I know that we'll meet up sooner or later that afternoon, for lunch or him surprising me with a visit at my work.
I once worked at a medical facility and had a coworker that would tell me of her worries of her and her husband. Nothing bad, on the contrary, all the good things she felt. He was the guy she had waited for through all the messed up relationships and I just remember through all the conversations one particular statement I never forgot. Her fear of losing him. In general, of not being apart of her life any longer. And, I have to say that me not really "getting" her comment then, I do now.
Out of all the messed up relationships I've been in in the past, I just couldn't fathom that anyone would really have those feelings about someone else. As I grew in figuring things out over the last few years it still escaped me. Until, I met Tim. Then after the relationship deepened and grew I started reflecting on her comment and could see the relevance. That total independence flying out the window, no matter how hard you try to hang on to it. Your "self" still staying intact but ever so slick-ish-ly life happens and you start to depend on that other person. And as soon as I thought it it was like a brick up side the head. WHEN did I surrender???
Not in a bad way of coarse but in a way that meant that I had unknowingly given complete trust, besides my heart, to someone else to care for. Yep, sometimes I'm a day late and a dollar short in revelations but when they do come I appreciate them for what they are. I even try looking back on this man and our relationship to see when exactly it happened. And for the life of me I can't remember. People go through so much on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly thing. It's like when it's right you just slide right in to where you're suppose to be and how things should be. It's crazy, I can remember when I knew that I loved him. Really, really loved him and it's not that "oh I'm in complete lust for you mistaken for love" kinda feeling. We were at (of ALL places) Walmart, lol! We had just gotten done getting his license renewed or something because we had just left the Department of Transportation. We stopped off at Wally World to get a few things and he's pushing the basket as I walk down a short isle over in the medical supplies, vitamin section. We stop so he can look at something and all of a sudden as I'm looking at things he blurts out, "You are so beautiful." I looked at him when he was saying this to me and my first response was to say, "Honey? U feelin ok? U fall and hit your head that last moto??" But then as I think it and look at him I see the look on his face and it was like seeing or finding a new discovery or even amazement of his own words. And I knew. I knew that I was in love with this man. And as it hit me I grabbed his face and kissed him.
Did I believe him? Not really. Back then I was still in that very insecure phase but thought that he was being very sweet in uplifting or tryin to, my confidence in myself. Also scared to give in to the thought of what it meant to myself of "falling in love" and what it all meant. Sharing a part of yourself, letting go of trust to give to that other person. Letting go of past things. I guess it all boils down to that. Letting go. Through out our relationship I have held on to some Independence that should alas be let go of. Tim being gone even overnight brings feelings to the surface and sometimes I learn a thing or two. We don't have to have a conversation to have me always thinking on our relationship. Nothing wonderful and amazing has to happen for it to just hit me. Life just happens sometimes and in going through daily life you either pay attention to things or you don't.
I get what my coworker meant all those years ago now. I can have all the Independence in the world or none at all and realise that even though I'll never loose myself totally in someone else I have in a way, lost myself in someone. And it's a scary feeling. Not that that other person will die or something bad will happen to the relationship. It's like seeing your life as it is now and taking that person out. Knowing that life wouldn't be what it is now if that person wasn't in it. That they make a difference. That they have that power to because of who they are and what they've given. If Tim ever questioned my motives for why I do the things I do, this is why. Because I appreciate who he is in my life. And like the you're beautiful comment he may not have believed me either all those times I told him personal feeling so as to know what I felt for him. I hope his way of looking at me and hearing or reading my words has changed. I hope he believes that he means the world to me. The beginning of our relationship started a spark. That spark has died down to a steady glimmer of constant light in my soul that will forever remain....
Once we discover how to appreciate the timeless values in our daily experiences, we can enjoy the best things in life....That's what I think anyway ;)
My point to all this? It's different when your hubin isn't home. Or, at least it is for me. It took me quite a while to shed that "total independent" personality where I took care of everything and was on my own mentally and physically. I called the shots, I made the decisions, I paid the bills, cleaned the house, cooked all the food, had a routine, and on and on it went. Then I met a guy, stalked him, married him and now miss him like crazy when he's gone. Don't get me wrong, I even miss him when we're not together during working hours or what ever but I know that we'll meet up sooner or later that afternoon, for lunch or him surprising me with a visit at my work.
I once worked at a medical facility and had a coworker that would tell me of her worries of her and her husband. Nothing bad, on the contrary, all the good things she felt. He was the guy she had waited for through all the messed up relationships and I just remember through all the conversations one particular statement I never forgot. Her fear of losing him. In general, of not being apart of her life any longer. And, I have to say that me not really "getting" her comment then, I do now.
Out of all the messed up relationships I've been in in the past, I just couldn't fathom that anyone would really have those feelings about someone else. As I grew in figuring things out over the last few years it still escaped me. Until, I met Tim. Then after the relationship deepened and grew I started reflecting on her comment and could see the relevance. That total independence flying out the window, no matter how hard you try to hang on to it. Your "self" still staying intact but ever so slick-ish-ly life happens and you start to depend on that other person. And as soon as I thought it it was like a brick up side the head. WHEN did I surrender???
Not in a bad way of coarse but in a way that meant that I had unknowingly given complete trust, besides my heart, to someone else to care for. Yep, sometimes I'm a day late and a dollar short in revelations but when they do come I appreciate them for what they are. I even try looking back on this man and our relationship to see when exactly it happened. And for the life of me I can't remember. People go through so much on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly thing. It's like when it's right you just slide right in to where you're suppose to be and how things should be. It's crazy, I can remember when I knew that I loved him. Really, really loved him and it's not that "oh I'm in complete lust for you mistaken for love" kinda feeling. We were at (of ALL places) Walmart, lol! We had just gotten done getting his license renewed or something because we had just left the Department of Transportation. We stopped off at Wally World to get a few things and he's pushing the basket as I walk down a short isle over in the medical supplies, vitamin section. We stop so he can look at something and all of a sudden as I'm looking at things he blurts out, "You are so beautiful." I looked at him when he was saying this to me and my first response was to say, "Honey? U feelin ok? U fall and hit your head that last moto??" But then as I think it and look at him I see the look on his face and it was like seeing or finding a new discovery or even amazement of his own words. And I knew. I knew that I was in love with this man. And as it hit me I grabbed his face and kissed him.
Did I believe him? Not really. Back then I was still in that very insecure phase but thought that he was being very sweet in uplifting or tryin to, my confidence in myself. Also scared to give in to the thought of what it meant to myself of "falling in love" and what it all meant. Sharing a part of yourself, letting go of trust to give to that other person. Letting go of past things. I guess it all boils down to that. Letting go. Through out our relationship I have held on to some Independence that should alas be let go of. Tim being gone even overnight brings feelings to the surface and sometimes I learn a thing or two. We don't have to have a conversation to have me always thinking on our relationship. Nothing wonderful and amazing has to happen for it to just hit me. Life just happens sometimes and in going through daily life you either pay attention to things or you don't.
I get what my coworker meant all those years ago now. I can have all the Independence in the world or none at all and realise that even though I'll never loose myself totally in someone else I have in a way, lost myself in someone. And it's a scary feeling. Not that that other person will die or something bad will happen to the relationship. It's like seeing your life as it is now and taking that person out. Knowing that life wouldn't be what it is now if that person wasn't in it. That they make a difference. That they have that power to because of who they are and what they've given. If Tim ever questioned my motives for why I do the things I do, this is why. Because I appreciate who he is in my life. And like the you're beautiful comment he may not have believed me either all those times I told him personal feeling so as to know what I felt for him. I hope his way of looking at me and hearing or reading my words has changed. I hope he believes that he means the world to me. The beginning of our relationship started a spark. That spark has died down to a steady glimmer of constant light in my soul that will forever remain....
Once we discover how to appreciate the timeless values in our daily experiences, we can enjoy the best things in life....That's what I think anyway ;)
Comments
Oh and I am a very independent person for sure. I haven't lost who I am. I just realise that when dealing with daily things I've learned to "bend" and not think to take care of everything all by myself. That I have a partner that is willing to take up some of the slack and pitch in. Whether it be a physical thing of something mental like defending me to someone or worrying so I won't. He knows that i'll never be anyone but goofy ol me. I have my moments when I can be funny, serious, relaxed, easy going, flirtatious or just down right BLONDE, lol! I'll never lose my identity or even some of the independence that we carry with us but I guess i've learned to rely on his presence being there...it's a nice feeling ;)